Sleepless nights, daily walks

My mind never stops, and I’ve found this can be a burden much more than a blessing. Lately, God’s teaching me how to use it as a blessing. The concept of walking with Jesus daily – all day, every day – sounds impossible. But, if my mind never stops thinking and, even more so if nothing is impossible with God, then walking with Jesus every hour of every day is, indeed, quite possible. It also sounds magnificently fulfilling.

In past years, I’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how to balance the family budget, make the numbers that didn’t work out in daylight somehow magically work out in by moonlight. I’ve not done that for some time, not because the finances are much improved, but because God’s got that, and I finally trust him in it. However, when I was hosting a baby shower and having 30 people over on a Saturday morning, I didn’t sleep at all. I kept thinking about all that had to be done.

My fantabulous sister-in-law had come a day early with her family to help decorate, bringing with her some gorgeous, handmade decorations. Thank God for great sisters-in-law! My daughter and her best friend had shopped for flowers and fruit, and all the items we’d need to set up the day of the party. However, drinks had to be mixed, food had to be plated, stations (the trend is to “do” things, rather than play games at showers now) had to be set up, and I had to get dressed and made up to look like I had it all together. And what if I had a flare up? What if my body didn’t want to cooperate? I needed to factor that in – it would take much longer to set up if I had pain and had to rest.

Had the kids and dogs made the floors a mess? Did I need to re-vacuum and re-mop? My mind would not rest, and my body followed suit.

After looking over my husband’s snoring corpse hour after hour, at 4am, I finally rose and shined. Good thing, too. At 5:30, my sister-in-law called down to me. Our gigantic, six-month-old puppy, an American bulldog named Ranger, had relieved his bowels in a big pile right outside of the guest bedroom door, and she stepped right in it. There was poop on her, the wall, the carpet. I had to stop prepping for the princess party and go into poop patrol mode, stat. (As you can guess, I was humiliated, as well.)

Before the crack of dawn, I was plunging the toilet, running the carpet cleaner, showering, and then prepping for the princess party. God is gracious. He gave me the time to do all that. I was certainly exhausted after the party! But no flare ups until the next day. Whew.

When I started writing this blog, my point was chronic trust. Let me get back to that now. I do sleep better. When I don’t sleep well; when I feel my joy wane; when I have a physical flare up, it’s usually due to some issue I’ve not given fully to Christ. Now this is not to imply that my physical ailment is a punishment or that God would heal me if only I did this or that. I don’t believe that’s the situation I’m in.

Doctors have told me again and again that my condition (whatever it is) is exacerbated by stress. I have never considered myself sensitive to stress, and I have always thought that I handle stress well, at work and home, spiritually and mentally. I have even had a high pain tolerance most of my life. Now…now it’s different. As I’ve matured in my walk with Jesus, I see that even a seemingly small issue can cause me to lose joy, peace, and physical homeostasis.

I saw this in a big issue, as described in my previous post. I’ve felt amazing all week, since my vision. I’ve had such peace! Yet the struggle and drama continues in the flesh, here on earth.

On Mondays and Fridays, I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. I’ve done this for about a year. My husband and I also took a year to house and be family to a new mother who had been in a local maternity home, until she moved away to be with family in another state. Women and children have a very special place in our hearts.

Yesterday, Friday, was my first day back after a week off. I got the news that someone I know had medically necessary abortion, and she’d been abortion minded to begin with. I haven’t dealt with this in over a year, and both times, the mother was originally carrying twins.

News like this saddens me, but does not break me. I usually do not cry, and if I do it’s only briefly. I do grieve for the mother, knowing her pain will be lifelong, whether the procedure was medically necessary or not. The sting of initially wanting the abortion, then having one, is a burden that will catch up with her. She’ll mourn forever, unless she finds Jesus and heals through his saving grace. I pray that for all mothers who’ve terminated a pregnancy – complete mental and physical healing through Jesus. Their babies are in heaven. I pray they are reunited in perfect love one day.

My body today is feeling the stress of yesterday’s news. For the first time in a week, I’ve used my TENS, taken an NSAID, and have less energy than I want to have. But this morning, I closed my eyes and held that young lady’s hand. I led her down that aisle in my vision and placed her hand in Jesus’, as a father would do, giving away his daughter at a wedding. Jesus took her hand and they turned their backs to me.

He has this precious girl and all of her future. She told me she knows Jesus. We prayed together. She is my sister in Christ, and I will never forget her. Though we remain on earth together now, I may never see her again until heaven. I pray that when I go to heaven, Jesus shows me my two sweet young sisters who aborted their twins. I want to hold their precious children and hug them, kiss them, thank God for their souls and spirits.


Image by Greg Olsen

For help with a crisis pregnancy or healing after abortion, click here.

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